Regrets and Rejoicing
by MoonSword1994
Summary: Commander Shepard has lived with a few regrets in her time, nothing major but enough to keep her awake one night before the final battle against the Reapers. How does Joker, her loyal pilot, play into those regrets? Gift for SparklyQuarians. Rated T for implied sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my gift to SparklyQuarians. Enjoy!**

* * *

The night seemed endless to Shepard, the hours creeping by at such an agonizingly slow pace, time seemed to stand still. Under normal circumstances this would have been an excuse for her to do something fun for herself, but these were far from ideal circumstances as with each passing minute she was getting that much closer to a battle she was not sure she could win. This war with the Reapers was about to come to a head, the fate of the entire galaxy was about to be decided and she was the one who would be responsible for the outcome.

She had pulled together the people, made the vision they saw at the beginning of the war possible, and now doubt filled her mind as she wondered about how she could have done things differently. Maybe she should have sabotaged the genophage cure, which would have gained them the salarian scientists that could have built the Crucible faster and maybe figured out exactly what it did. Yet if she had done that, she would have been no better than the Reapers, condemning an entire species to continual death and pain. The krogans might not have a science background but their military expertise and hands on approach to war had proven almost invaluable for the turians. Without them, more would have died and there had been enough death.

"Why does it all feel like it's for nothing?" she wondered aloud as she gazed up at the stars above. "Maybe I was wrong and we should have just surrendered to the Reapers. It would have saved us the agonizing pain of all this death and destruction."

"True, but it's better to go down swinging than being walked on," said Joker as he entered her quarters. "Sorry to interrupt your brooding, I just had a feeling I should check on you."

Shepard smiled wryly as she sat up and looked at him, he always had an uncanny knack for knowing when she needed someone to talk to. "Were you spying on me?"

"No," he answered honestly as he sat down beside her. "It's just my Shepard sense kicking in, telling me that you need to vent about something. So, why do you think we should have surrendered instead of fight like you've been encouraging us to do since Sovereign?"

"It's just . . . it feels hopeless," she admitted, and she would only ever admit her doubts to Joker, no one else could be trusted. "We've been gathering all these resources, rallying thousands of soldiers to our banner, and we're still being decimated. Sure, we have the Crucible but who knows that it'll even work? It could be a means of speeding up the harvest for all we know, and I was the one who commenced its creation. I could have doomed us all."

"Well, we were pretty much doomed anyway," he said with a shrug and she stared at him blankly, unable to comprehend that he had actually said that. "If we hadn't fought against them, we'd all be dead. And since we are fighting against them, people have still died. Death is almost inevitable right now, at least if you look at it from a pessimistic view. If you're a hopeless optimist then you could say that thanks to you we have hope of surviving."

Shepard was a little skeptical about the route his logic was taking. "So what you're saying that fighting or surrender would still result in death but because of me, people can at least die hopeful?"

"Exactly," replied Joker simply. "Shepard, people were going to die anyway, at least with waging a war those same people have the chance to keep others alive. If we had surrendered then everyone would be lost, no one would have any hope of surviving. With this war, you've created the hope of at least someone living to see the next cycle. And much more has been accomplished with nothing more than hope."

"And people wonder where I learned how to deliver speeches," she said with a short laugh. "Joker, you really are something, and I'm lucky to have spent these last years with you."

Joker smiled as he took her hand in his. "So am I, Shepard."

They sat in silence for a few moments, their hands still clasped together as they waited for someone to break the stillness.

"Any regrets?" she finally asked, looking over at him to see his eyes were far away in thought.

"I have a few," he replied before looking at her. "What about you?"

She nodded. "A few. What's one of yours?"

"Never kissing you," he said, winking at her. "I thought about it plenty of times but never acted on the impulse." Joker let out a soft laugh. "I guess I always thought we'd be around longer."

"It's not too late," said Shepard gently and he looked at her bewildered. "You could always kiss me now if you want."

Part of Joker screamed with joy, really he had wanted to do this ever since they first met but had stopped himself because he was not sure of how it would work out. Now here she was, offering to give him exactly what he wanted and he was hesitant. "Look Shepard, as nice as the offer is, I don't want it," he said a little hurriedly. "What I mean to say is, I don't want something like that just to be because we might die tomorrow. If it were to happen, I would want it to at least mean something more than a spur of the moment, might as well do it now, kind of thing."

Shepard did not look as hurt as he would have assumed instead she seemed happy. "What if I told you that one of my regrets was never kissing you? That I've thought about it numerous times but didn't want to ruin our friendship? Would you change your mind then?"

Joker half expected her to tell him that it was a joke that she was just screwing with him, but something in her eyes told him that she was being sincere. "Shepard," he said, breathless as he leaned forward, their lips brushing against each other for a brief moment.

He was just about to pull away when she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close, pressing her lips harder into his as his arms tentatively went around her waist. Joker felt her tongue brush against his lower lip and he allowed it entrance, their tongues danced with each other as they went down onto the surface of her bed. The kiss was blissful and sweet, an escape from the thoughts of death that had been plaguing them both that night. Her hands were hot against him, burning through his uniform as she ghosted over his body so as not to hurt him, the heat acting as a balm and anchor. He would have happily died then, in the arms of the woman he loved with her lips on his and her hands on his body.

Shepard wondered if she was doing the right thing, giving in to this one desire that she had been selfishly holding onto for so long. She wanted to tell Joker that this was not something she was doing for comfort, as a way of distracting herself for a brief moment, but the words died before they could reach her voice. In hindsight it would be crueler to say that she loved him and then tomorrow go out and die than to have said nothing at all. No hope was sometimes better than false hope, at least without hope he would set his expectations accordingly and grieve over her with an appropriate mindset. This one time, she would be selfish and take what she wanted.

* * *

The blue light of the shield glimmered through the skylight above the bed, and Shepard watched it pulse, an indication that it was still working. She remembered when she first was brought back and Cerberus had installed this damn window initially, watching the shield pulse had been her way of reassuring herself that the shields were holding and that a passing piece of rubble was not going to come smashing through and space her again. Now it was a way of keeping her eyes occupied as she listened to the person breathing beside her.

Eventually though, she could not keep herself from not looking and she turned over on her side to look at Joker; his bare chest was clearly visible, the blanket that covered her was barely covering everything below his waist. She smiled a little as she pulled the blanket back up and covered him properly, being very careful not to touch any part of him as she did. It was not that she did not want to wake him, it was more that she did not want to deal with what happened after that: the questions, the expectations, and the possible future. No, she did not want to face that now when she was so uncertain of everything as it was, she would rather find a way of avoiding that inevitable conversation. As nice as it had been to be with him, it just seemed to complicate matters more than necessary.

With a resigned sigh, she turned over so her back would face him, she knew she would have to come up with a means of dealing with the fallout but right now all her mind and body wanted to do was sleep. Her eyelids felt heavy and when they closed, she felt the other side of the bed shift, and without even looking she knew that Joker had left.


	2. Chapter 2

The beam was in sight, this war was moments away from being over if she could just make it across the barren and treacherous battlefield where a massive Reaper had landed. Steeling herself, she jumped down the cliff and ran as fast as she possibly could towards the beam, only for a beam of red to come sweeping through the area, destroying the various military vehicles that littered the ground. Shepard saw a mako go flying through the air and barely had time to find cover when it came crashing down over top of her. Glancing behind her, she saw Garrus and Javik ducking for cover just a few feet away, both of them covered in fresh blood, their armor battered to hell. She then noticed Garrus' leg, it seemed to have sustained heavy damage and he could barely move it.

" _Normandy_!" she shouted into her comm. "This is Shepard, I need an emergency evac now!"

" _Reading you loud and clear, Shepard,_ " answered Joker, his voice filling her with relief and guilt. " _Landing now._ "

The ship came into view and she could not help but feel incredibly relieved to see a familiar sight amidst all this death and destruction. The feeling did not last long as she assisted Javik with Garrus, the two of them practically dragging him up the ramp where Ashley and Liara greeted them. They took Garrus and Javik followed behind, holding his abdomen as he limped up the ramp, neither sparing Shepard a final glance as she headed back down.

" _Not even going to say goodbye, Shepard?_ " asked Joker through her comm and she froze. " _Look, I know we haven't really spoken since that night, but I just want you to know that I don't regret it. In fact, it's the only thing that's been keeping me hopeful._ " There was a pause. " _Just come back alive, okay? I don't want to be here if you're not._ "

Shepard could feel tears pricking her eyes. "I'll see you soon then, Jeff."

" _I'll hold you to that, Shepard,_ " said Joker and then he cut out.

Hearing him say that helped the fire within her burn brightly, despite how things went between them, he was still the only person that could truly inspire confidence in her when all else failed. Now that she had a reason to come back, she charged the battlefield once again.

* * *

It was finally over. The Reapers had been dealt with and now all that was left to do was find the dead and the survivors of the last battle. The _Normandy_ crew had been among the first to offer their services and were all out scouring what was left of London, focusing primarily on the area near the beam that went to the Citadel. Joker was spending the time attempting to repair the _Normandy_ ; some kind of pulse had fried every circuit and system in the ship so it was a matter of extreme urgency to get everything back online. He had a feeling that it would be damn near impossible to fix EDI, she had gone offline when the ship had and as an AI she had more software requirements than the _Normandy_. That did not mean that Samantha was not going to try.

"Joker, do you have a size three screwdriver?" she asked as she began pulling panels from EDI's body. "There are these tiny little screws on some of the panels in here that are covering vital areas."

Joker rolled his eyes as he stripped a few wires and connected them together. "Traynor, why don't you focus on fixing the AI core before EDI's mobile platform?"

"Both of her platforms have been completely destroyed," replied Samantha as she took the screwdriver from Joker's toolbox. "Besides, this one is the easier of the two to repair, her main core being connected to the ship's internal mainframe makes things harder to fix which is why Ken and Gabby are working on it as we speak."

"Well, I suppose that makes sense," said Joker as he soldered a panel back into place. "You seem to be having more fun than you should playing with EDI's body."

Samantha blushed a dark red and was babbling rapidly as she tried to explain herself only to realize that Joker was simply teasing her and she had fallen for it again. "I hate you, Moreau," she muttered as she began rewiring and replacing the burned parts within EDI's mobile platform.

"Oh admit it, Traynor, you love me," laughed Joker as he sat up and smiled when he saw his consoles lighting back up. "Your life wouldn't be the same without me in it."

"That's true," agreed Samantha with a sly grin. "I probably would have charmed EDI without any interference from a certain cock block."

Joker made a face. "Really, Sam? I thought you had more class than that."

"Joker, we're soldiers, we don't have class," laughed Samantha. "Alright, in all seriousness, who was your best shag?"

"You first," said Joker as he sat back in his seat and adjusted to the frequencies the Alliance had given out a few hours ago as a means of staying in contact.

Samantha thought for a moment. "This gorgeous girl in college. She had a fantastic body and knew how to use it to her full advantage. She taught me things that night I didn't even know were possible."

"Is there a vid floating around of the two of you?" asked Joker, waggling his eyebrows and Samantha blushed. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Now you go," insisted Samantha as she resumed her work.

Joker thought for a moment, his automatic answer would have been Shepard but he was not sure if he should say anything about her at all. He could tell that Shepard was trying to ignore the fact it had happened in the first place and to a certain extent, so was he. That night with Shepard had been incredible, it had fulfilled every daydream he had ever had about what it would have been like to be welcomed into her bed but it had come at a steep price. Their one night of passion had most decidedly ruined their friendship and was likely irreparable at this point.

"So, who was it?" pressed Samantha, looking up at him eagerly.

"It was—" he started before he was cut off by a loud shout of static coming through the radio comms.

" _We found her!_ " said Ashley, her voice a little garbled on the radio. " _We've found Shepard!_ "

* * *

It was sheer chaos trying to get Shepard moved from where she was found under the rubble of the Crucible to the nearest functioning hospital, but they were able to move her without losing her on the trip. Joker had been praying to every deity he could think of, and thanks to his conversations with Thane that was quite a few. Once they had her inside, it then became an agonizing waiting game.

Joker could not get the image of her broken and half destroyed body out of his mind. She had been lying on the stretcher, clinging to life with what looked like gallons of blood all over her body, her arms limp and legs appearing useless. Her head looked cracked open and there had been several large pieces of debris haphazardly shoved into her abdomen. He had been so sure that she was going to die before they reached the hospital that he had kept Hackett on standby for a formal announcement should that be the case. Fortunately it was not, but it still scared him that he even had to consider the idea of telling the galaxy their hero was dead.

Joker went over her injuries in his mind and made an inventory of how long it would take to repair each one, the total reached double digits when he got to the abdomen; that was when he decided that he needed a distraction. The rest of the uninjured crew was sitting in the waiting room with him, their heads hung and no one spoke for what felt like hours. Honestly, it probably had been hours.

"Are you all here for Commander Shepard?" asked an asari nurse as she entered and everyone turned to look at her, Joker almost jumping out of his seat to stand up.

"We are," he said, mentally bracing himself for the news.

The nurse nodded and seemed to sense the urgency of the situation. "Well, I would just like to inform you all that she's been moved from operation to the intensive care unit. Her injuries were incredibly severe, to put it mildly. I'm surprised that you all have been here for the near sixteen hours it took to complete all necessary surgeries."

"We'd never abandon the Commander," said Garrus, a large bandage on one of his mandibles. "She's saved our asses numerous times and has been a true friend to us all, this is the least we can do for her."

"Well said," agreed Tali whose mask was fogged over.

"I'm sure she'd appreciate the sentiment," said the nurse in a slightly clipped tone. "Now, I'm pleased to tell you that Commander Shepard is alive as of this moment and if things go well, she's expected to make a fully recovery."

Relief crashed over the crew and some even fell to their knees crying at the news. Joker would have himself it he were not convinced he would never get back up. She was going to live and now things would have to change.


	3. Chapter 3

This was not how it was supposed to go. This was not supposed to happen. She was not meant to be lying helplessly in a hospital bed waiting for when she could resume living. She was supposed to be out there putting everything right and changing what could be changed for the better, instead she was looking at the possibility of a year and a half of physical therapy, three more surgeries, and an endless amount of prosthetic tune-ups for her new leg. That had not been fun to wake up to when she was brought out of her medically induced coma.

Apparently her old leg had been so mangled that it had been impossible to repair, so the doctors had amputated it and replaced it with this new mechanical prosthetic. She had taken one look at it and then promptly covered it up, trying to pretend that it did not exist in the first place. That was one change to her body that she could not accept, no matter what anyone said.

"You have a visitor, Commander," said a nurse as she came in to check Shepard's vitals once again. "I'll send him in when I'm done."

"Thanks," said Shepard as she rested against her pillows. She wondered if Garrus and Tali were back for another visit, of all her crew they were the ones that had visited the most often. Their visits were a great deal of fun, despite the fact they always had some kind of news regarding the aftermath of the war.

When the nurse left, her visitor came in and she almost called for the nurse to send him away: it was Joker. He smirked when he saw her face before sitting down in the nearest chair, his green eyes sparkling as he looked at her.

"Surprised to see me?" he asked, fully knowing the answer to the question.

Shepard nodded as she grasped for words but none were coming easily to her, it seemed as if her voice had completely deserted her just when she needed it most.

"It's good to see you," said Joker, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry I haven't been by much, I've been busy piloting people all over the damn country. I've never seen the Alliance so coordinated with alien militaries before but they function much better this way."

She knew it was meant to be a joke but she could not bring herself to even smile, she was still too stunned that he was even there in the first place. Shepard had thought of him often during her confinement in bed, yet it was still overwhelming to have him so close after being without him for a very long time.

"Shepard, what's wrong?" he asked, dropping all pretense of keeping up a pleasant front. "You haven't said a word since I got here, you didn't even tell me to get the hell out of here. Did they cut your vocal cords?"

"No, just my leg," she managed to reply as she pulled back the blanket to reveal her shiny metal leg. It would eventually be covered in skin grafts grown from samples of her own skin but for now it was big, clunky, and metallic looking.

Joker glanced down at her leg for a moment before looking back up at her as if she had just shown him a nasty scar. That startled her greatly.

"Aren't you going to comment on my leg?" she asked as she put the blanket back down.

"Why would I?" asked Joker with a shrug. "It's as much a part of you as your scars and those tattoos you claim not to have. Treating it as anything else would be an insult to you and all you've done." To emphasize the fact, he reached over and put his hand on her metal thigh, squeezing it gently as if it were made of flesh rather than steel. "Look, I didn't come here to talk about war injuries, I came to say that I've missed you."

Shepard looked at him curiously. "Why would you miss me? Before the last battle, I treated you horribly; I used you then said nothing to you afterwards. You shouldn't be here, you should be with a woman who'll treat you better than I ever did."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Shepard, get this through your thick head: you didn't use me. What we did that night was what I wanted too, and I already told you that I didn't regret that it had happened. What I regret was letting it get in the way of our relationship, we've been friends for too long to let something like that interfere."

"So are you saying that you just want to be friends?" asked Shepard as she tried to wrap her mind around where this conversation might be going.

"Not necessarily," said Joker as he removed his cap and put it on her head. "If you want, I'd rather be with you and only you." He then moved his hand to take hers.

"Why would you want to be with me?" she asked, tempted to move her hand away from his. "I'm broken, Jeff, and not just my body. I've never been one for stable, long-term relationships so I don't know how to handle myself when it comes to someone I lo—deeply care about. I'm sure our recent transgression can serve as a perfect example."

Joker rolled his eyes. "This may come as a shocker but I've never had much experience being in a relationship either. And here's something else, I've loved you for a while now and after almost losing you through my own stupidity and this war, I've realized that my biggest regret wasn't that I hadn't kissed you it was that I had never told you how I felt. I love you, Shepard."

Shepard was stunned silent once again. Here was the man whom she had secretly been in love with for a number of years offering himself to her and she was warring within her mind about whether she should accept. She had no idea what kind of a future they would have together, or if it would be a happy one for that matter. In her life happiness was not something she often came across so she might misinterpret it and ruin whatever was left of their relationship. She had already hurt him once and she did not want to do it again, not after he had laid his heart bare to her like an offering.

Taking a deep breath, she had to fight back tears as the answer came to her lips. "I love you too, Jeff."


End file.
